Nite Hike 2010 – Tholly’s Lonely Adventure Part 2

once McStabby was put away, the kids climbed down off the jungle gym and started to gather like a regular troop.  neil, the scout leader, arrived for further instructions.  a short walk to an adjacent field was our first stop – the adventurous, treacherous, and extremely challenging station of “signing in”

neil offered to wait in line with the rest of the scout leaders for the the most underestimated signing in process EVER.  i swear we waited in that field for like an hour and a half or more…. my memory is bad so lets just be safe and say we waited in that field somewhere between an hour and 3 weeks.  the general ethos of the scout gathering continued from the church area to the large field.  i looked around at a gaggle of scout troops who were all sitting in secluded pods… patiently waiting for their scout leaders.  then i looked at my scout group.  scattered. restless. yelling. oh hey McStabby!  long time, no see!

the seniority i obtained from being a quasi-scout leader had made me drunk with power.  the no-rules attitude that the scouts were exhibiting didnt make me mad but rather made me proud of the uniqueness and potential power of my group.  i would discipline them when needed, mainly in regards to McStabby, but i developed an elitist attitude that would dominate any sort of potential for shared comradery with with the other troops.  it got to the point where a small child ran up to tholly and me.  he stopped dead in his tracks, looked up at the two adults towering above him, and when i spoke, this is what came out:

“hey kid, this aint your group, scram!”

the kid ran away and tholly looked at me and smiled to silently express that he was entertained by my refusal to “handle that well”

i had to snap out of this power trip so i decided that we should play a game to pass the time.  i looked around at our options.  max wanted to play “let’s see who can throw the knife closest to the other person’s feet without it actually drawing blood” …. im ashamed that i even considered that game…

alexsei had a long walking stick which was, i suspect, either cut from a tree in his backyard without parental permission OR stolen from a once perfectly functional scarecrow.  either way, the stick would be of use to me at that particular juncture.  jade was holding a makeshift ball made of tinfoil, which functioned as the wrapper to her peanutbutter and jelly sandwich… the official boy scouts of canada food.  i took the stick, took the tinfoil ball and yelled, “STICKBALL!”

the kids ran to create a temporary baseball field with bases made of bags, jackets, and shoes.  i was so excited.  before the first pitch was thrown, i could see it all in my head – fast pitches, long hits, slides, competitive rivalry, no-rules coach to ump yelling and cussing, kids hurting, broken bones, the dugouts clearly for an ultimate brawl on the pitcher’s mound, EVERYTHING!  this was going to be the best pre-nite hike 2010 stickball game ever! 2010.

tholly and i were captains and tried to make the teams even.  our initial yelling and pre-game trash talking was gaining attention from nearby troops, who were showing interest but seemed glued to their designated spots.  in retrospect, their seemingly eager facial expressions yet frozen bodies makes me wonder if there is some weird and abnormal discipline going on in those troops that sucks the life out of the kids…. prohibiting them from any form of fun.  oh well, their loss, NERDS!

i was up at bat first.  you know, to check if the bat was poisonous.  my unrelenting insistence to bat first was really for the kids’ interest.  i promise!

the silvery ball is tossed in my general direction from a pre-teen.  everything seems to be in slow motion as the endorphins flowed through my body like absurd rhymes out of lil wayne’s mouth or those donuts into my mouth during the pre-nite hike carbo-load.  fearlessly gripping and twisting the wooden stick, unafraid of possible splinters.  the ball floated closer as i took a step forward with my leading foot… anchoring it in the grass for maximum power.  my eyes locked onto the mangled tinfoil as i swung with all my might.  the stick, moved at an unmeasurable speed, seamlessly separated the air like a dance floor separates boys and girls at an elementary school dance.

“STRIKE ONE!” yelled tholly.

DAMMIT!

alright.  thats ok.  shake it off, GB… it’s only the first pitch.  general warm up pitch… doesnt count.  no big deal.

i recollected myself, wiped away my tears, and prepared for the second pitch.  this time i was more successful with a solid base hit.  as i was on first base, i was yelling and talking trash to the pitcher, which i found quite satisfying.  it’s unbelievable how fast your ego is boosted when you crush someone else’s spirits.  on top of that, the time is usually cut in half when the victim is a young, insecure pre-teen, whose daily routine includes a cracking voice and involuntary erections in the middle of every class, everyday, without fail.  I am actually developing a self-help book elaborating on this very method:  ”GB’s quick and easy guide for adults to boost their ego: visit a middle school”  however, i might need to change the title because its very similar to another one of my books: “GB’s quick and easy guide for adults to get arrested: visit a middle school”

the rest of the game went like this: strike out, strike out, walk, strike out, tholly not caring, change sides, kids complaining that its too hard to hit the tiny ball with the tiny bat, strike out, strike out, cry, quit, GB convince kids to keep playing, strike out, tholly continuing not to care, strike out, hit (from tholly), strike out, GB depressed that his dreams are falling apart in front of him, change sides, kids trying to make new rules that hitting the ball with their hands would make the game easier and more fun, GB yelling that it’s cheating, tholly not caring about new rule, GB hitting monster hit, tholly catching GB’s monster hit, Gb crying, strike out, strike out, kids getting bored, alexsei officially quitting, strike out, change sides, strike out, END.

stupid game.  when can we start hiking, this is bologna.  finally neil arrived with the map and instructions.  he explained that the scouts are supposed to lead the hike, with the adults help every once and a while.  the hike consisted of 26 stops (A to Z) where the scouts had to perform various obstacles that will challenge them mentally and physically.  the entire hike never left the Pacific Spirit Park, which is beside the UBC campus.  you can cover a lot of ground in 12 hours… so if you want to get a sense of our hiking experience, then print out that map, put it on the ground, and drop a pound of spaghetti on it.  that was our path.  i thought it was weird and “not very adventurous” that we never left the pacific spirit park because it was so close to the UBC campus and/or countless residential houses… but i was surprised how remote i felt from civilization in the woods, in the middle of the night, wondering if there was a coyote or something worse waiting for me behind each tree.

LET’S GO!  first stop…. A? AWESOME! i love A!

to be continued….

Nite Hike 2010 – Tholly’s Lonely Adventure Part 1

a couple of weeks ago, tholly and i accepted a challenge that would be the final ingredient that would take us from boyhood to manhood.  in the year of  2000 and 9, i was of the school of thought that defined the initiation into adulthood as being the one to drive around during a family vacation.  i have evolved.  my brain has gained 13 pounds this year alone.  the “doctor” told me that the 13 pound girth increase to the innards of my skull was due to the combination of excessive eating and dumpster diving for old sweet cake goods behind various cupcake or donut shops.   apparently rapid intake of sugary dough whilst upside down in a dumpster results in the food bypassing the stomach and going straight for the brain cavity.  i put quotations around ‘doctor’ because this clown in a white jacket is treading on my no-rules policy: summer edition!!!

while ive been eating my knowledge, i have learned that adulthood isnt granted to an individual until he or she has taken on the responsibility of chaperoning 8 kids for at least 12 hours.  double adult points awarded if this 12 hour period is from 6:30 pm – 6:30 am.  now, before you call foul on and yell, “hey graham, we all know you dont know the difference between left and right but you switched PM and AM!!! what an IDIOT!”  im just gonna have to stop you right there…. ive eaten enough donuts to know that AM is what i see before and after i see my bed and PM is what i see when im walking around town putting out various vibes.  yes that’s right… tholly and i are official adults because we both were asked and both accepted the challenge of chaperoning 8 scouts during an ALL NIGHT (no rules) hike.   tholly may have written in that ‘no rules’ part on the flier to coerce me into accepting the challenge.

it all started when Neil, the official scout leader, sent out an email asking for help for Nite Hike 2010.  Tholly and I had been volunteering with the boy scouts for a while as a way to offer helpful services in gratitude for neil allowing us to park the RV in the church parking lot.  so i walked up to tholly to talk about this particular event and to see if we should help out.  i figured there should be some politicking because it was from 6:30pm to 6:30am …. not your normal bowling night.  at first i was hesitant because, well, i like to sleep.  along with sleeping, i like to sit motionless for long periods of time so an all night hike was the opposite of those two ‘likes’ of mine.  so i walked up to tholly and said:

GB – “hey tholly, what should we do about this nite hike thing”

Tholly – “I already replied and said we would be there.”

GB- “fantastic”

GB and Tholly discussions dont really last long.  our relationship is based on long silent gazes and shared cupcakes.  and laughs.  ohhhhhh the laughs.

even though the nite hike doesnt allow for two of my ‘likes’ (sleeping and motionless living), it does allow for one of my ‘loves’, which is story telling.  not in the sense of me telling campfire stories to a bunch boy scouts but rather offering an experience that could be turned into a lovely dinner night party story… and since I’m writing this blog, the nite hike filled my wishes of providing an amazing adventure.

so here it goes:

i was on the bus traveling to the meeting place; my bag was filled with bananas, water, and chewy bars as my body was filled with unfathomable anticipation and wonder.  i had no idea what to expect.  the hiking trail was unknown to me.  i had no idea where we would be going at all.  the email that was sent out said something about “a lot of scouts” but i had no idea what that meant because the scout troop tholly and i would party with was small.   i arrived at the destination, which was a church in the middle of the UBC endowment lands.  the beginning.  the origins of what would be the greatest nite hike 2010 EVER.  (there’s only one nite hike 2010)

my eyes widened as i witnessed hundreds of scouts of various ages collect to prepare for the hike.  most of them are in uniforms showing off their collection of well-earned and deserved badges from previous trials and tribulations such as:  sewing, grocery shopping, shoe tying, and bear fighting.  i was alone and confused because i couldnt locate tholly nor the troop.  the first familiar face i saw was one of the scout’s younger brother who joins to party sometimes.  he was alone looking for people as well.  i walked up to him and i could tell that he doesnt recognize me.  to break the ice i said, “hey, i know you.  whats your brother’s name, again?”  he responds, “Aleksei.”   then i said, “Yeah, Aleksei.  I know him.”  he thought this was good enough to trust me so he followed me.  then i thought to myself, “wow.. that was a little too easy… if i were a literal kidnapper, then he would be in big trouble.”

but im not a kidnapper, so thats good.

at this point, tholly saw me and walked over.  his loud and abrupt, “hey bud!” to quinn, the small child standing with me, indicated that he too could be trusted.  tholly asked where the rest of the kids were and i shrugged my shoulders because i had no idea.   quinn pointed us in the direction of our scout troop.  what he was pointing at wasnt an organized group of well-behaved scouts, patiently waiting instructions from their scout leaders… like every other group…  but rather the only group of kids yelling and playing on the adjacent playground.   tholly and i looked at each other with exhausted looks because we knew this was going to be a long night.  of course, our troop is the only no-rules troop here!

we walked over and jordan, one of the scouts, ran over to tholly and i desperately trying to solicit help from the ‘elders’ in a furious battle against max the destroyer.  max was the long haired scout who was at the time either “king of the mountain (jungle gym)”  or simply “it” in whatever game they were playing.

before tholly and i could apathetically decline our involvement, jordan blurts out, “but be careful, he has a knife!”

perfect.

noah and alexsei (the other scouts) werent really helping the situation because they were busy throwing various items they could find around the playground such as plants, trash, and sticks at max.  max, being normal, was violently swatting at the projectiles with his knife.  when the projectiles stopped, he would hold the knife high in victory, as if he was trying to stab the sun.  his evil cackle reigned supreme over the land.  i would say that the other scout troops were shaking in fear whilst recognizing their inferiority but in reality, i think they were too busy playing with their compasses.  jade and alex, the two girl scouts who were joining our hiking trip, stood to the side… unimpressed.

we knew the nite hike adventure would be promising when our very first act of chaperoning was telling a 13 year old to put away a knife.  i feel like the knife deserves a name because lets face it, the knife is its own character is this story…. it keeps making appearances.  for the story’s sake, McStabby will be its name.

to be continued…

Summer 2010 is here

well, i havent been on this thing for a WHILE and if you think I’m gonna apologize for my general absence then you are sadly mistaken.  there are no concrete terms that force to me have a set output of posts on this blog so im going to pull out my ‘no rules card’ and gently shove it down your pretty throats.

I’M BACK!

as you can tell, this term of schoolings have made me “be an adult” and demote my blog-writing down on the priority list.  during the term the list was this:

-eat

-sleep

-look at schoolwork

-procrastinate

-hang out

-actually pull out schoolwork with the intention of doing it

-research interesting things that have to do with theology but nothing to do with the actual assignment

-cram (for school and food in my mouth)

-write in blog

oh well.  the last blog-project i was doing was the ROM COM TA, which was abandoned with furious abandon.  there were 4 other people that i needed to write an assessment for:  christa, anna, nomi, and iain.  however, my lack of blog discipline left them in agonizing anticipation… i will apologize for that.   regardless of their efforts, i wasnt going to be picking them… for instance, anna just talked shit to me the entire time and every other sentence out of her harsh mouth was, “i just want a burrito!”

lets just say that she will never be my TA but she somehow was qualified to be the dean of student’s TA in charge of spring school…. yikes.

christa and iain were pretty good candidates but didnt impress me enough to hire them.   christa’s first sentence was, “graham, i will never be interested in you”, which was good to keep the professional environment professional.  in fact, she was very repetitive when it came to that subject… so much that she would pull out pictures of swiss farmer boys, point to them and said, “they are hot, and you are the opposite.”

as for nomi… she was a very good contestant, dare i say, the best of the bunch…. however if i chose her to be my TA i would be making a VERY unprofessional career move because we may or may not be dating now.  im going to put this out there and say that the interview was where she realized i was irresistible.  a little over a month later, she couldnt hide it any longer and took me to Denny’s for our first date.   it worked.

ill go ahead and say that JAKE TUCKER won the interview process because i later found out that he owned a snuggie.  so that pretty much puts him in the lead.

ok.  so it’s summer time and hopefully ill be writing more.  i WILL be writing a SWEET story about an all-night hike with a bunch of boy scouts.  thollander and i were chaperones, which was probably a poor decision on the scout leader’s part.  oh well.  no one died.

Rom Com Applicant #10: Vienne Chan

the interviews were going well and were catching the attention of various people i knew.  however, something great happened when a girl, who was at first a stranger, came to the interview table and asked what was going on.  i briefly explained what i was doing (by smugly pointing to the sign to my right and yelling at her, with my death stare eyes, to read it herself because i had no time to waste on tomfools).

after reading the flier and witnessing a few questions thrown at karyn, vienne thought this was really funny and HAD to be part of the action.  karyn finished her interview, and i looked at vienne asking her if she would like to try out her wit.  she smiled, shrugged her shoulders, and said, “yeah sure, what do i have to lose?”

in my head, of course, i answered that rhetorical question.  she would lose the competition that was unfolding throughout the day.  the high demand competition of winning the spot to be MY ROM COM TA!! and you realize the “my” in the last sentence refers to THE…. GRAHAM…. BENNETT!!! wow, im getting goosebumps.

she had no idea what she was getting herself into.  regardless of her lack of preparation, i was really excited to interview a complete stranger who had no idea who i was.  this was a great chance for her to get a fresh look of who i REALLY was….. the Rom Com Scholar i was born to be.

since this vienne girl is not my friend (on facebook) then i dont have any pictures of her to use (steal).  SO ill just opt for the next best thing…. type in vienne chan in google images and pick something randomly…

yes, thats about right.

Popcorn Challenge: 2 – she said that this particular popped corn embodied the perfect ratio of crunchiness to poppedness.  because she likes the crunch, i will assign her to “bottom of the bag” duty where she will feast on the barely popped popcorns that i like to call “mistakes”.

Movie Ordering: she refused to play by the rules (which would be a bad thing to ‘normal’ people but this is actually a plus – very innovative) she wanted to employ the ol’ stack method in her ordering. this was where she had her 1st and 2nd picks but the other 3 were ALL tied for 3rd.  interesting.

- Wall-E – apparently vienne used to dabble in some animation so as an animator, she could fully appreciate the “ground breaking” (as she called it) quality of wall-e.  i too had to agree…. i mean, did you SEE the movie?

- Amelie – chan really liked how the movie was very non-linear as well as offered fantastical imagery.

3rd place picks in no apparent order: this is where she used the ol’ stack method! so at the end, her line up looked like a big T instead of a straight line.  very racy.

- Punch-Drunk Love - sandler’s unique character appealed to her.  she said it was “ground breaking” (again) to portray a mental illness in movies. clearly she hasnt seen very many movies. i love wikipedia.

- The Proposal – this was a perfect b-grade rom com she explained, as it filled all the rom com shallowness and stereotypes.  whoa whoa whoa, shallowness? i mean, yes, ill give you stereotypical but that movie was DEEP!  she said it wasnt “ground breaking” as well.  i wonder how much a movie’s ability to break ground affects her life.

- High Fidelity – thoroughly enjoyed the music and also the cameo of jack black.  well if she likes music and jack black then im sure she LOVES tenacious D.

Other Qualifications:

the next part of the interview was my favorite because of the fact that she was a complete stranger and had no idea who i was.  this, or course, was the “i need to make sure you wont develop romantic feelings toward me” part of the interview.  something about making a total stranger guarantee that they will not develop romantic feelings because of the professional environment, is AWESOME.  her face was so confused and quasi-offended when i was explaining that i am a PROFESSIONAL scholar that doesnt have time for bullshit.  her response however was brilliant:

vienne chan: “you dont have to worry, from the beginning of the interview, i have been completely appalled at your face.”

granted, i had a beard at the time of the interviews and she explained that she hates facial.  nonetheless, what an awesome comment.

OH!! another plus was that when she read the sign and saw the “bring food” part, she asked if anyone has brought food.  i, of course, immediately asked her if she had any food on her.  and YES, she had some delicious yogurt dipped granola bar.  and i know that ive been taught, “never take candy from strangers” but NOT TODAY!!  free good was great.

Special Update: Happy Valentine’s Day Beard

well, i did it.

two best responses:

DAD:  ”I don’t get it.  and if I did I would have to go thru some intensive counseling …..     love dad”

MOM: “Well……entertaining. Can you do something about your underarm perspiration, dude? And, I think you look better without the “lumberjack, hillbilly” beard. So I am glad you shaved it off…….   love, Mom”

Rom Com Applicant #9: Karyn Roberts

ben roberts, karyn’s husband was hanging out with me during the interview process.  he was there for several reasons:

1) im awesome and he wanted to party

2) he was my bodyguard to make sure no one would get to wild and violent if the interview was going sour

3) wait for his wife to arrive so she could interview

karyn walks into the building and speeds walks our way.  as i stand up to greet her, shake her hand, and officially introduce myself, she bypasses all of that and goes straight for the three popcorn kernels on the table.  so i guess i know where she stands on the popcorn challenge.

Popcorn Challenge: NO RULES

Movie Ordering:

- Amelie – she responded with my “why did you pick that as your first?” with a “are you kidding me!?” as if my inquiry were a derogatory attack on her personal preferences.  take it down a notch, karyn! or ill have you thrown outta here like me 7 hours deep at an all you can eat buffet.  she proceeded to tell me that amelie was witty, humorous, and had a great message of love.  it was also a change of pace from the classic rom com formula.

- Zombieland – hasnt seen it but it automatically gets second place because of its name alone.  she explained that having a rom com called “zombieland” was pretty much the smartest move any career could take.

- The Proposal – she told me that she has seen it, but wouldnt see it again.  she prefers rom coms with the greats like meg ryan.  she proceeded to spend the next 10 minutes explaining all the reasons why meg ryan and her are similar.  the worst example was, “when meg ryan was in ‘you’ve got mail’, she got emails…..i TOO get emails!”

- Punch-Drunk Love – hasnt seen but is SURE it is better than the notebook (automatic last for her).  well shes right but im disappointed she hasnt seen it.

- The Notebook – she said, “i hated it because it was so long and there was no com”  - i tend to agree however for some reason i dont mind the notebook as being a rom dram.  i once had a girlfriend about 4 years ago so it was mandatory that i watch that damn movie like 37 times every six months.  in a sense, i was a hostage victim but like so many times in the life of a hostage, i developed stockholm syndrome towards the captives – ryan gosling and rachel mcadams.

after the movie ordering challenge, she questioned the whole interview process, not understanding it at all.  i then realized that she had no foreknowledge of the event and that ben, the sneaky husband, just wanted her to interview.  she thought I, of all people, was the TA!!! what a clown, get a brain karyn.  then she accused me of using this whole deal as a way to get a girlfriend.  i really dont know why this is a common accusation with everyone!? i mean, its totally normal!  also, the fact that im interviewing both married women and men proves my professionalism.

Other Qualifications:

When I asked about her character, she insisted that i be referred to her best friend who was sitting beside her.  this might have been effective HOWEVER i require family values in my ROM COM TA.  her HUSBAND was sitting right beside me the whole time and for her NOT to use her husband for a character reference is just plain foolish.  clearly the husband is a better reference but noooooo, karyn couldnt care less what her husband has to say.  real sad.  i gave him some popcorns to make him feel better and i think he appreciated it.  as he dried his tears and wiped away the mucus, he uttered, “she has good insight.”  point taken, crushed husband, point taken.

Rom Com Applicant #8: Andrew Aukema

Popcorn Challenge – 3 – he claims that he has a crooked jaw that tends to lead his saliva and subsequently his appetite to the left.  i love a medical mystery and/or stunt accident (im only guessing these are the only two explanations for a crooked jaw) so i was intrigued at witnessing further eating habits conditions by factors other than “hungry”

Movie Ordering:

- Wall-E – this was the only movie he has seen of the five chosen. uh oh.  andrew liked wall- e because not only were there “cool sounds” but it taught the viewer what it means to be human…ironically, through the relationship of the robots, not the humans.

- Punch-Drunk Love – not seen

- Amelie – not seen

- The Notebook – not seen

- The Proposal – not seen

because he doesnt have a lot of experience watching movies, i asked him what he did for fun.  he proceeded to tell me that his backyard is full of chickens.  so he has experience “handling chicks” but also can handle turkeys….so his original double entendre gets confusing.  is he trying to say that turkey is another double entendre?

regardless of other meaning, im intrigued with real live chickens and turkeys.  generally chasing them and trying to catch them….a fun filled exercise for the kids.  i get healthy, get healthy legs and mind, while having a blast with friends.  its not a sport or gym, but better.

i asked him if his life with chickens has enriched his views of the rom coms.  he said that the life of a chicken embodies the general rom com plot:

-  it starts good, then theres usually an inciting event followed by many conflicts thus building the anticipation, the climax (time to go back into coop) comes and once they are all in, resolution comes.

i liked how he reads rom com movie plots in the lives of chickens by im worried that he will equate everything to the lives of chickens.

Other Qualifications:

andrew has a tv, dvd player, and sound system.  he has pretty good cooking skills that are constantly  improving.  his improving cooking skills probably find their roots in the fact that he not only owns a microwave but also has running water.  oh and he wanted to let me know that he has 2 bathrooms and a washer and dryer.  these things seems trivial to the naked eye but i was very pleased at our equipped andrew’s house is.  very nice.

while he was listing off all the special features on his microwave, he gave me the last slice of his orange.  i need this sacrificial characteristic in my TA because at the end of the day…my stomach needs will out-weigh (actual and metaphorical weight) his stomach needs.  i also realized that he was the only one to bring food thus far!!! i cant believe 7 clowns before him FAILED to feed me during this interview process when it was SPECIFICALLY stated:

“NEXT TOP ROM COM TA INTERVIEWS!

open to the public

accepting male and female applicants

bring food

provide your own chair”

well andrew won serious points for that juicy tasty treat.  when asked about unique attributes that would likely impress me, he said, “if technical difficulties arise, i can tell jokes and/or cook”.

Possible Complications:

for someone to have chickens and turkeys running around, i needed to know where he lived because i assumed the birds had to be at a safe distance from the olympics to avoid complications.  he said he lived near the nanaimo station.  he claims its only a 25 minute commute from my place but in actuality its probably closer to 3 hours.  this MIGHT be a problem.  here is a map of this situation.